


And Now For Something Completely Different AKA Hit Me Baby One More Time

by HufflepuffsAngel, Priori_Incanfandom



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: AU, Fluff and Crack, I'm not sure this was Deaton's finest hour, Other, Peter and Derek are the world's worst babysitters, Well they had to get the nogitsune out somehow, baby au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-15 07:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1295986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HufflepuffsAngel/pseuds/HufflepuffsAngel, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Priori_Incanfandom/pseuds/Priori_Incanfandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deaton finally discovers a way to rid stiles of the nogitsune with hilarious consequences, but the Hale pack don't see it that way. Their woes are only increased by the fact all off the troubled teens of Beacon Hills managed to dose themselves with the antidote too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crack fic conjured jointly by my own twisted mind and the strange wilds of imagination belonging to my good buddy Hufflepuffsangel. Yeah, we basically got bored at school today and this happened. Rated teen and above for bilingual swearing.
> 
> Brief translation note:  
> Chub means fat  
> Chub chub means exceedingly spherical in a cute way  
> and babas is babies 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading it as much as it emotionally destroyed us to write it x

“Motherfucking babies” said Peter, kicking Baby Danny across the floor.

 

Baby Stiles fell down the stairs and bounced cos he was so fucking fat. He had tripped on the hem of Lydia’s chub chub dress which he was wearing. Baby Lydia was chasing after him in a large pair of dungarees, bunches bobbing as she ran. “Bad Stiles” She chastised as he lay in a chubby heap on the floor, twitching.

 

“How long is this going to last?” Derek yelled, trying to pull Scott and Isaac apart. Both were baring their little fangs, eyes shining red and gold as they fought over Allison who was shooting arrows at shit haphazardly, ignoring both boys completely.

 

One of the arrows struck Ethan in the thigh and he burst into tears. Danny crawled over and slapped Allison in her icky child face. Once she had been sufficiently bitch slapped, Danny crawled over to Ethan, poking the wound inquisitively. Ethan howled louder and Peter rolled his eyes as he waded towards him and attempted to wrench the arrow out of Ethan, accidentally lifting his entire body from the floor by the arrow. Peter glared at Ethan as he slowly fell from the arrow like melted ice-cream and Danny caught him before he smushed on the floor.

 

In the commotion, the two wolves had lost track of three of the babas. Jackson, in his kanima form, was lounging under a particularly warm desk lamp, being fed bugs by Erica and Boyd who were giggling. He decided they were being too slow and bit Erica’s hand, looking up at her reproachfully, her hand still in his mouth. Boyd smacked him with one chubby fist. “Bad Jacky”

 

Aiden was sitting by himself assessing the group quietly until Kira approached him. “Do you wanna play superheroes?” She asked sweetly.

“Yeah, sure” he said happily as Kira punched him in the chest.

“I’m Iron Man what are you?” She asked, to which Aiden bared his fangs.

“I’m a werewolf”

 

Derek surveyed Kira and Aiden attacking each other and shook his head distractedly. He already had Scott and Isaac under each arm and glared at Peter who was twirling the metal arrow he’d yanked from Ethan.

 

“You wanna help?” he yelled

 

“Scotty!” Stiles whined loudly to his friend, still trapped in Derek’s arm. “Do I look fat in this dress? Does the colour look bad?”

“You do look big. But you’re still prettiest” He assured his friend as he dangled over the werewolf’s arm limply.

 

Kira grinned “Iron man is betterer. JARVIS” She shouted, sending a pulse of fox fire at Aiden, which he dodged but it left a smouldering hole in the carpet of the loft.

 

Peter groaned and covered his eyes. “I just re-carpeted, Derek” He said with tears in his eyes “It cost a fucking fortune”.

 

Allison wandered over to him “oh enfermé homme de loup, c'est un tapis putain” She stabbed him in the leg as he looked at her blankly. “Don’t be a pussy Uncle Peter” She summarised.

 

Stiles ran past, launching himself at Derek. He locked his arms around Derek’s knees and smushed his make-up-ed face into of his legs, leaving an imprint of foundation and blusher in the denim “Do you think I’m Pwetty Derek?” He grinned up at him.

“Scott said I was a pwettier girl than you and Lydia put together”

 

If Derek had a free hand he would have slapped himself in the face with it.

 

“Yes Stiles you are” He said through gritted teeth. This was what his life had fucking come to.

 

Stiles ran away, giggling in glee. Peter was still a pathetic lump on the floor, now being stabbed repetitively by Allison; Kira and Aiden were hitting each other with books.

He felt a sudden movement behind him and realised Scott had somehow got a hold of a lacrosse stick and was jabbing at Isaac’s face with it. “She my girlfwend” He was hollering and Derek gave up, dropping them both. He wasn’t an asshole though. He fetched Isaac his own stick to make it fair.

 

Derek sat on the non-smouldering couch and recalled how he had used the lacrosse sticks earlier that day to catch the de-aged teenagers.

 

Deaton had resorted to desperate measures by reverting Stiles to a baby to expel the nogitsune. Unfortunately Stiles had shared out the cookies filled with a mixture of the poisonous lichen and a de-aging solution which they had baited him with and all his friends had been affected too. Derek and Peter had driven around Beacon Hills in the jeep, hanging out of the windows and using the lacrosse sticks to catch the children like a fucking pair of paedos.

 

His reputation was ruined.

 

He observed the pandemonium before him. Jackson has finally snapped and was now chasing Erica and Boyd across the floor, tripping up Danny with his tail. Ethan pounced on the offending lizard and bit his tiny, noseless face.

 

“Call Deaton, before I try and kill one of them … again” Peter wailed, Lydia was attempting to hide under the couch, but she was too fat to be concealed and raised the couch off the floor with her chub.

 

Stiles was dancing around Boyd and Jackson, whose lizard head was starting to bulge horrifically. Suddenly his head exploded and scaly green skin flew everywhere. He was shedding. Peter lamented his carpet as Jackson’s baby human head peered around at them all from his lizard shoulders.

 

Boyd punched him once more, the bruise that formed as a result turned green and scales erupted from the epicentre. Soon his kanima head was peering around again. Boyd walked off with Erica to the reading corner, where Danny and Ethan were curled up under a blanket, snuggling.

 

Stiles was attempting to prise Lydia from under the couch she was wedged under then gave up and brought her some cake to tempt her out.

 

Peter was now fully lying on the floor, despairing at his life. Isaac was lying close by him, a few of his baby fangs scattered around him. Allison was teaching Scott how to use a bow and arrow.

 

Derek observed his best friends pursuing their childish activities and a sudden thought struck him. Grinning tiredly he pulled out his phone and took a picture of them all being adorable, before sobering and calling Deaton.

 

“You need to get here now” he said as flames sprung up from the couch he was sitting on and he glared at Kira and Aiden as they scampered away, giggling; the offending balls of electricity still buzzing in Kira’s little hands.

 

Deaton arrived thirty minutes later, looking suave and well rested and smiled genially at the sleeping children. They had utterly tired themselves out and were lying, strewn about the ruined loft. It was like the Somme.

 

“They seem fine, what was the rush?” He said confusedly, taking in Derek and Peter’s murderous expressions in contrast to the cute sleepy babies.

 

 Peter kicked him in the balls

 

“You know nothing” he growled, his hair mussed and deep scars all over his body.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So our friend Isla wated to add something at the end of the previous wierdness. 
> 
> ................. This was her contribution.

Suddenly, an eagle which had been set on fire appeared from the open door that Deaton had just come in from. 

“This is my pet eagle, champers.” Peter punched him in the balls again. 

“You brought a fucking flaming eagle to babysit some fucking babies?” Peter growled whilst Derek was trying to wrestle with the eagle to capture him. 

Stiles, sensing the commotion between Derek and the flaming eagle, jumped on top of the eagle in an attempt to rip him away from Derek. Out of nowhere, Deaton began whistling the Indiana jones theme tone in order to distract him from the pain in his balls. 

Peter felt left out. He jumped in to help out in the flaming eagle, Derek and stiles trio fight. Shit was going down.  
Champers ftw

**Author's Note:**

> Well that was something. I hope you enjoyed the smush chubby wolves and foxes and humans tumbling about and pushing Peter to the edge of sanity. It was fun to write.
> 
> Let us know what you thought.
> 
> \- L & J
> 
> P.S. our non writer friend wanted to have a go at an alternate ending which i'll post as a second chapter if you want to give it a look


End file.
